Carrots! And Stuff!

This month's challenge is carrots. I love carrots. They're versatile and can pretty much be added into any dish.

Carrots works fantastic for me, because I am trying a new Lunch Thing.
It's only new to me, there are a gazillion recipe examples online. And I encourage you to try it!

To find any of those recipes just look up Salad in a Jar.

I only took two pictures of this recipe. Mostly because it's so damn simple.


Step one: Identify what you want on your salad.
Step two: Procure/prepare those things.
Step three: Sort those things by lettuce and Wet Things.

I built four salads in a jar to take with me for lunches for the next week. And every one has...Carrots!

Here is one in the preparation stage.

I said this was easy. But I didn't say it's not messy. Mess. Y.

And here they are done! They look so beautiful! Each one is different. I'm taking extra lettuce with me tomorrow because I didn't feel like I got enough lettuce to make a true salad.

Four little piggies went to the market. Or something like that. I had a terrible childhood.

I have cooked so many things today. I made homemade protein bars. And lunch. And dinner. I am tired of cooking!

For lunch I had an awesome shake. I usually don't like protein shakes. they always taste powdery to me. But this one is 2 cups of kefir/siggi/yogurt/milk and two chopped bananas. Add a tsp of ground allspice, cinnamon, nutmeg. Add some ice if you like it super cold.
Blend. Enjoy. It's amazing! And I was full for hours.
It tasted like eggnog and pumpkin pie combined. I might try to add some pumpkin into it tomorrow morning.

Now it's time to watch Walking Dead, light a fire, and have some warm tea.

Lazy LAZY girl chili

Hello readers :)

I didn't think I would be doing this month's challenge, which is "CORN" and was selected by the lovely Keira, but I happened to have a can of corn in my cupboard AND Michael told me that it would be good in chili...so here I am. Let's begin!

Here are my intrepid ingredients. Two kinds of beans, because variety is the spice of life. This fire roasted tomato product that I like. The spice mixes in a convenient envelope. The baggie had leftover chopped onion from the eggs I made yesterday and it was stinking up my fridge so in it goes. I also added some salt, garlic, and some chipotle chili powder. My spell checker is telling me that should be spelled "chipolata" but I'm pretty sure it's drunk. Maybe that's where the vodka I was going to use in my recipe went - see what I did there? ;)

Hmmm...It looked like I randomly dumped some beans into my crockpot, I could see NO liquid so I added 1/2 can of water. I have no idea if that will help or make everything too watery. Here is the finished product.

This is how long until I find out if my dinner sucks or not.

I call this photo "Good god TOO MANY beans! Don't open another one!"

PS I panicked and added some taco seasoning and more salt so...wish me luck!!

Lemony Non Snicket

So the recipe challenge is

Leeeeemmons.

There is nothing better than the smell when zesting lemons. It's majestic.

Also, I play a lot of Fruit Ninja. Especially during Important Work Conference Calls. And Fruit Ninja told me that warm lemons produce more lemon juice. And I thought...Hmmm. Okay. Lemons it is!

So I went to Costco. I wasn't hungry, but still spent $100 more than I wanted to spend. I have a love/hate relationship with Costco. I love it, but would be internally cheering if it burned to the ground. So would my checking account. So I have changed my motto from Never Costco Hungry to Never Costco with Money.

I also forgot to get lemons. But thankfully King Soopers (dumbest. name. ever.) sells them.

So here they are. Being warmed. Next to a pot plant. Hey it's Colorado. legal and whatevs.

I suddenly want Doritos.

I choose to make two recipes. Mostly because I needed a side dish for my entree. And I King Sooper'd Hungry and may have bought 4 too many lemons.
Lemon Trout Recipe
and
Marinated Veggies

I started out using tilapia, because I am a rebel. A recipe rebel. I mixed all the ingredients together, then read the reviews where it said use 1/6 of the flour. So I scrambled to pull out as much flour as I could. Here is the final product.

Plastic wrapped fish slices. Like fish sticks. Except less plastic.

I discovered that I don't like zesting half a cup of juice. It sucks. 10 minutes of mindless zesting. Zest zest zest. Then zest. So I enlisted some help juicing. Five lemons later, I had my required amount of juice.

Zesting is much harder than juicing. Just saying.

Here are my fish filets, swimming in their zesty juice.

Pre-Ceviche

 

 

Also...inspiration

The cheap one is mine. Because I don't have 'standards' apparently

I added some rice to the rice cooker, with some lemon juice to make the rice all lemony.

I did not turn out lemony. I turned out like white rice with no flavor.

So after the 60 seconds in the lemon juice I threw them in the pan and let the fish fry begin!

It turned out deliciously crunchy fish looking. And made my whole house smell like fish. YAY FISH.

I am stinky. Deliciously and stinky.

At this point I threw the marinated veggies into a pan and begin the frying process. The recipe calls for way too much oil. The veggies were soaked in oil and soggy.
They also tasted like LEMON. LEMON VEGETABLES WITH LEMON.

Would you like some oil? I have some. I have a lot.

Here is the finished product.

Ignore the picture in the background. It's aliens. Aliens in bad 80's hyperwear.

Honestly? The lemon was FANTASTIC. It tasted just right, the lemon flavor wasn't overpowering at all. 
I ate all the vegetables but I won't make them again. Mixed with rice they were just okay.
The fish made up for it. Just writing this made me want to make it again.

Except I won't. Because of the zesting.

Purple Pumpkin Eater Potatoes (minus pumpkins)

The thunderdome challenge is PURPLE POTATOES
~massive cheering and adulation~

So! I thought heck I'll make potatoes gratin. And it will be purple! How cool will that be?!?

Answer: Not Cool.

Answer B: Don't attempt to make a gratin without a mandolin. The potatoes will just laugh at your foolishness.

So to begin with, Here is the link to the recipe.

I thought if it had Fabulous in the title it would be fabulous. Boy was I wrong.
This time I had almost all the ingredients, so I blame the recipe.
Well I didn't have the leeks but whatever, it's just a stupid vegetable!

First I attempted to slice the potatoes. I also added a shallot because I'm carefree like that.

Adorable little purplies!

 Then I started cooking my favorite part, the bacon. Baccoooooon!

I smell like all good things

Now I add the goat cheese into the potatoes and mix heartily.

Never put flour on potatoes before but sure, why not?

 Then I add everything into my massively undersized skillet.

Look! A mess!

So at this point I can tell this is going to end poorly. The cheese is clumpy, the flour is making things worse, and the bacon ...well the bacon is perfect. Because: bacon.

So into the pan it goes, in a messy pile of schloop.

To make it better the recipe author said add cheese. Because cheese hides problems.

And into the stove it goes! I should mention I was also making StoveLoaf@ and curried vegetables at the time, and it is pictured here:

Stove: Still not bloody

And voila, when it was done...it looks fantastic!

I am a trick.

It even looks fabulous! 

Until you ate it.

Then it tasted like undercooked potatoes with flour caked on, and every once in a while you got a squish of hot goat cheese.

Yeah.

Fabulous.

But not to fear! Stoveloaf@ saved dinner! 

The Boyfriend said Stoveloaf@ was fantastic, which I was not surprised. When I asked him to make meatloaf he used a cookie sheet and a style best known as 'making a hill-type football-shaped meat brownie'. I finally found something I can cook better than him.

The curried vegetables were...eh. They needed more curry and to be baked longer.

The Fabulous Purple potatoes were tossed after a few bites.

Swirly purple weirdness, right there on a plate

 

 

BUT! I way overbought the potatoes (they were so cute!!) that I ended up using them in every dish for a few days.

I even made purple potato soup. Ever had purple soup? It was fantastic!
And I felt like Dr. Seuss while eating it!

So, all in all not a total failure.
But don't trust recipes that have the word "Fabulous" in the title.
And I should really make a note to buy all the ingredients for a recipe before I start cooking it...

Bread? Maybe?

I have horrible experience with bread. Like...horrible. I've tried to make multiple, multiple loaves. Every time it's ending badly. Lots of weeping and flour everywhere.
I'm thinking, maybe it's that I live in Denver?
Maybe it's not that I am incapable of baking yeasty things?

So I thought, google to the rescue! I'll try and find a high altitude recipe! Perfect!
Challah bread
Challah bread is ridiculously hard compared to a simple loaf!
Let's go for broke and fail again! Who needs self esteem when I can have deflated under cooked bread?

Step one - begin to grow the beast.

Growing some yeast

 Okay, now on to step two. I'll let the yeast begin to do it's thing while I mix up my eggy mixture.

Eggs and sugar and salt and what not

And after this I check out my yeast and holy shitballs, it's frankenyeast!

I am coming for you. In your sleep. ~notblob

Add everything together and start to mix in the flour. Notice my handy dandy rice cooker slash bread mixer spoon.

Mixing it up! With some flourz.

And now it's time to knead! Which...I should really research how to do this. I mean I assume you just punch it down and keep fiddling with it?

Maybe?

The flour is EVERYWHERE at this point.

And now it has to rise for an hour. I'll keep you updated! Or...probably forget and post something later about how I killed another bread.

I am rising like it's Easter, bitches!

UPDATED:

Okay I'm back! With some finished bread, even!

It doesn't look like it but I'm fatter

So after an hour the dough was all fat and reminded me of actual bread dough. Go figure. So I decided to try and role it into three braids. This failed. The braids were too fat and I couldn't work with them. I was worried about undercooked bread so I decided to make two loaves instead of one giant loaf.

Braiding baguettes is not fun

This makes me want Crazy Bread

I began my braiding but quickly stopped because...I forgot how to braid. Is that even possible?
Yes. Yes it is. I googled how to braid challah bread because I didn't want to be the only dumbass to google how to braid.
Here they are braided! Aren't they beautiful?
Don't look at the ugly ends.

It's getting all Heidi in here

After another 30 minutes of rising, I was ready to toss them in the oven for 20 minutes.

And VOILA peoples! I HAVE MADE DELICIOUS BREAD. DELICIOUS, HOMEMADE BREAD.
My house smells better than crack right now. I bet if someone came over (hint: no one will) they'd rob me at gunpoint for my bread.

Yes, I am using my roast pan insert as a cooling rack

I CAN MAKE BREAD
~fireworks~

THAT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE UNCOOKED BISCUIT DOUGH
~cheers~

HUZZAH!!!

Non Thunderdome Recipe time!

I decided to post this recipe outside of the normal Thunderdome situation. Mostly because it's Wednesday night, all the good tv shows are on hiatus and I'm bored.

SO!

Most people, me included, think of Shepards pie with this thought in their head: Icky.

When I was a kid,  oftentimes we would have shepards pie. Which to my mother, God bless her soul, was hamburger meat, canned green beans, canned corn, and instant mashed potatoes.

It was foul. Just disgusting. Thinking about it now makes me a little queasy, because we had that often. I won't say my mother made it intentionally gross, she was just limited by resources. One of those resources being the ability to imagine food that tasted good. She just wasn't a cook. And it wasn't until I was 19 that I discovered potato soup isn't just water and potatoes and maybe some milk.
Back to Shepard's pie...

So I was wondering around a farmers market (This one to be exact) and found a root vegetable medley option. Usually that would make me leave immediately, as I have a fear of beets due to an over-beeting in a monthly produce delivery my roommate and I did in Portland.
Anything beets I avoid. Unless they're on fire.

But this was different. It had small tiny baby carrots, parsnips, whole garlic, giant turnips and yes...beets.

I picked it up and started thinking about what I could make with all these things. In the end I kept coming back to root veggie combo with some potatoes. Which is basically shepards pie.

So I thought...what the hell! I'll make shepards pie the way it's supposed to be made! And probably still hate it! This last thought was probably due to the beets.

Here is the original recipe. Which I shouldn't bother to post as I never follow it.

To start off with, I decided to add the parsnips to the potatoes and make a mashed parsnip potato thing. This was stupid, but we'll get to that later.

First we shave the parsnips naked.

Bow chicka bow wow

See the carrot bag? Aren't those the most adorable carrots ever?
These are the parsnips shaved, with some baby carrots just because they're adorable.

They look like little sperm! Wow am I not hungry now.

I diced the parsnips, diced some potatoes and threw them all in a pot.

Note to self: Parsnips float. Never know when vegetable floatability knowledge will come in handy.

Once those are boiling away, I started on the carrots. For all those carrots I probably got half a cup of diced carrot. You know how hard it is to peel and dice 45 individual carrots smaller than a pinky? I do. I spent 30 minutes bitching out the carrots.  But they didn't care. Stupid adorable baby sperm carrots.

Then I approached the turnip. I ...have never eaten a turnip before. At least willingly. I've never chopped one, and outside of the little small red ones for salads I really didn't know what a turnip looked like. But here it is. In all it's turnip glory.

Most underwhelming root vegetable ever.

I threw an onion (I cried), the turnips and the carrots into a fry pan with some butter. After five minutes sauteeing it smelled like heaven in my kitchen. Oh glorious butter.

I then noticed all of my vegetables were rather...white. And beigey. So I thought I'd add some green beans. But not canned green beans. I will never eat those again (see: above).
So I chopped some frozen green beans and threw them in the pot.

Chopping frozen things is much harder than it appears. These were especially wiley.

Once everything started to simmer, I threw in the meat and the worchestershire sauce, and the broth like the recipe called for.

At this point the potatoes and parsnips seemed done, so I drained them and added some butter and fat free half and half to make whipped potatoes.
Lessons learned:
You are the Parsnips bitch. Don't forget that.
Even though parsnips are fork pokey soft in the water, they will not mash. At all.
Hard clumps of goo does not help the mixing process when using a hand blender.
Mashed potato/parsnip goo can fly disproportionate distances when prompted.

So this is what I'm left with:

The parsnips are laughing at you. Or me. Whoever. They're just laughing.

Once the meat cooked down I loaded it into the pie pan.

Underwhelming yet again.

Then I added the non-whipped mixture in what I vainly tried to make into something resembling mashed potatoes.

This looks gross.

I baked it for 30 minutes at 400 degrees, and just pulled it out as I'm writing this post.
It looks exactly like the picture before being baked.

I have a feeling this is going to taste like Dinty Stew with Gloop. Yay.

So to celebrate I made myself a drink.

Highly recommend coconut tequila. The Girly Tequila!

I figure after 3 of these, I won't really care if I'm eating Dinty Stew with Gloop.

Maybe.

I'll let you know.

OMG Y'ALL

I completely forgot to link VeganGourmand's website!

I suck at this.
You should fire me.
Except you can't because I'm the boss of this here blog! NEENER NEENER NINCOMPOOP.

Here is his delightful blog with a delightful winter squash recipe.
To keep things organized I will be adding blog links out to the side so you can check out VG's fabulous blog whenever you feel up to it.

VEGAN G'S STUFF IS HERE

Also I sort of feel like I'm talking to myself. Anyone else? ~echo...echo~