Bread? Maybe?

I have horrible experience with bread. Like...horrible. I've tried to make multiple, multiple loaves. Every time it's ending badly. Lots of weeping and flour everywhere.
I'm thinking, maybe it's that I live in Denver?
Maybe it's not that I am incapable of baking yeasty things?

So I thought, google to the rescue! I'll try and find a high altitude recipe! Perfect!
Challah bread
Challah bread is ridiculously hard compared to a simple loaf!
Let's go for broke and fail again! Who needs self esteem when I can have deflated under cooked bread?

Step one - begin to grow the beast.

Growing some yeast

 Okay, now on to step two. I'll let the yeast begin to do it's thing while I mix up my eggy mixture.

Eggs and sugar and salt and what not

And after this I check out my yeast and holy shitballs, it's frankenyeast!

I am coming for you. In your sleep. ~notblob

Add everything together and start to mix in the flour. Notice my handy dandy rice cooker slash bread mixer spoon.

Mixing it up! With some flourz.

And now it's time to knead! Which...I should really research how to do this. I mean I assume you just punch it down and keep fiddling with it?

Maybe?

The flour is EVERYWHERE at this point.

And now it has to rise for an hour. I'll keep you updated! Or...probably forget and post something later about how I killed another bread.

I am rising like it's Easter, bitches!

UPDATED:

Okay I'm back! With some finished bread, even!

It doesn't look like it but I'm fatter

So after an hour the dough was all fat and reminded me of actual bread dough. Go figure. So I decided to try and role it into three braids. This failed. The braids were too fat and I couldn't work with them. I was worried about undercooked bread so I decided to make two loaves instead of one giant loaf.

Braiding baguettes is not fun

This makes me want Crazy Bread

I began my braiding but quickly stopped because...I forgot how to braid. Is that even possible?
Yes. Yes it is. I googled how to braid challah bread because I didn't want to be the only dumbass to google how to braid.
Here they are braided! Aren't they beautiful?
Don't look at the ugly ends.

It's getting all Heidi in here

After another 30 minutes of rising, I was ready to toss them in the oven for 20 minutes.

And VOILA peoples! I HAVE MADE DELICIOUS BREAD. DELICIOUS, HOMEMADE BREAD.
My house smells better than crack right now. I bet if someone came over (hint: no one will) they'd rob me at gunpoint for my bread.

Yes, I am using my roast pan insert as a cooling rack

I CAN MAKE BREAD
~fireworks~

THAT DOESN'T TASTE LIKE UNCOOKED BISCUIT DOUGH
~cheers~

HUZZAH!!!